A Spooky Super Time Force Story
Cdr. Repeatski sent this dispatch:
Dateline: Salem, Massachusetts
February 12th, 1692
If there’s one thing everyone knows about me, it’s that I’m the savior of all time and space and that I use quantum mechanics (aka time travel) and sweet weaponry to protect Earth from turning into a lame wasteland (yer welcs!). If there’s a second thing they know about me it’s that I loooove Halloween and all things spooky-ooky! Black cats! Skeletons! Haunted junk! I can’t get enough!
So with my fav holiday around the corner, my best buds and dependable time-soldiers, the Super Time Force, decided to surprise me with a creepy day trip to the Salem Witch Trials to check out some real deal sorceresses in action! I couldn’t wait to see these pointy-hatted nimrods try to cross-examine some all-powerful evil witches!
But… If I could leave a Yelp review for Salem in the 1600’s I’d give it 1 star and a very snarky write up. What a letdown! First of all New England in the winter is straight garbage! Snow AND mud? We got the Spacebus stuck and it took all of us pushing to get it out.
And don’t get me started on the people! SO rude! I’ve never been scowled at and called “spawn of demon lord” so many times in all my life! Who put literal bees in their literal bonnets?
And then we get to the most heartbreaking part of the trip… the witches… or should I say the NO-witches!
These stocking-wearing morons are calling regular normal ladies witches! Their idea of “witchcraft” is a woman being able to read a book! We filed into the back of one trial and they were talking about burning this “witch” because she bathes on the regular and doesn’t smell like the rest of these buffoons who think hygiene means putting more powder on your wig! Here I am looking for witches to start levitating in the courtroom and conjuring black bolts of lightning from the spirit world to smite these Puritan dingbats. And what do we get? Ten dudes yelling at a terrified teenager and telling her she’s gonna burn on a cross because her chicken laid more eggs than her neighbors! These witch trials are all hype!
Anyway, this Cotton Mather dbag and his cronies were droning on and on about “sin” and “temptation” and it was soooo boring that I gave Zackasaurus Rex a look and he knew exactly what to do. He ollied off the hard wood benches that were killing my behind and spit some acid at ol’ Cotton and melted his dumb face off! There was screaming and panic and we took that as an opportunity to skedaddle.
The gang could tell I was really bummed about witches maybe just being a fake thing dreamed up by lamewads, so they offered to take me to ancient Egypt to check out some Mummies. But after one letdown I didn’t think I could handle it if mummies turned out to be just some dead bodies wrapped in smelly rags, so we decided to call it a day.
Anyway, hope y’alls Halloween is scarier than mine!
